Jason Portnoy on emotional awareness and personal accountability
The Tim Ferriss Show hosted by Tim Ferriss - Podcast Index
Jason Portnoy, a notable entrepreneur and venture capitalist, shares his journey from PayPal to Palantir, discussing the profound impact of early career experiences on personal growth. He candidly addresses the challenges of porn addiction, exploring the emotional toll of secrets on relationships and the healing power of honesty. Portnoy also reflects on how childhood traumas influence adult behavior, the importance of mentorship, and the transformative nature of simplifying one's life. His insights emphasize the significance of emotional awareness and personal accountability.
Highlights
- In a relationship, a man's desire for frequent sex can lead to resentment and distance. This can result in contemplating quitting a job or getting divorced.
- Recognizing and prioritizing healthy relationships is crucial. Listening to your body's signals and prioritizing your well-being can improve performance and well-being.
- Different companies require different skill sets for their executives. Confidence is a key differentiator between vice presidents and C-level executives.
- In relationships, viewing each other as souls on a journey of growth and learning can aid in healing and rebuilding trust. Successful marriages will be based on a mutual commitment to spiritual growth.
Snips
[56:04] The Evolution of Narratives in a Relationship
🎧 Play snip - 2min️ (54:27 - 56:07)
✨ Summary
A man's desire for frequent sex leads to resentment in his relationship. He feels entitled to fulfill his desires and believes his actions are not contributing to the distance in his marriage. After the birth of their daughter, the couple grows apart, and the man contemplates quitting his job or getting divorced.
📚 Transcript
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Jason Portnoy
Story was different. The story had evolved out of, in our relationship, I wanted to have sex more frequently than Anne-Marie did. And at some point, it turned into resentment that we're not having as much sex in our relationship as I want. And I'm a successful man and successful men go out and they get what they want. And so I am entitled to this thing that I want and I'm going to go out and get it because I deserve to. And that was the narrative I was telling myself in my head.
Tim Ferriss
When did that change?
Jason Portnoy
It changed about six months after our daughter was born and I had disappeared on her. And then our daughter was born, which is of course very, you know, is a big event in, in any family. And we were just far apart at that point. And I could feel that at the time I blamed it a lot on how much I was working, but that was the feeling of distance and the feeling I, I, I wasn't even, yes, I was doing these bad things, but They couldn't be contributing to the distance because she doesn't know about them. I mean, that doesn't make any sense. It sounds ridiculous when I say it, but that's the narrative that was playing in my head. And so about six months after our daughter was born, maybe seven months, we were so far apart. I felt like I either need to quit my job or I'm going to get divorced.
[01:53:41] Recognizing and Responding to Toxic Relationships
🎧 Play snip - 1min️ (01:52:27 - 01:53:42)
✨ Summary
Identifying and prioritizing healthy relationships is important. If someone consistently leaves you feeling bad after interacting with them, that's a signal from your body. It's crucial to listen to these signals and prioritize your well-being. By doing so, you can improve your overall performance and have a quieter mind.
📚 Transcript
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Jason Portnoy
Let's take that last example. Cause this is one that I know people have tremendous difficulty with.
Tim Ferriss
So, okay. You identify a relationship that's not serving you anymore. Let's for the sake of argument, just say it's not your most significant other. Right. Let's just say it's not that, but you identify friend X and you're just like, yeah, this is run its course. What do you do then?
Jason Portnoy
I think for me that the signal is, there's a great quote from Maya Angelou. I'm probably going to get it wrong, but it's something like this. People will forget what you say. They will forget what you do, but they'll never forget how you make them feel. And if there's someone in your life, coworker, friend, family member, whatever, where every time you interacted with that person, you kind of leave the interaction, not feeling good. Yeah. That's your body's intelligence. That's what, when I say I want to embody my body more, I want to listen to those signals because the more I've done that, by the way, the better I feel like I perform in like a board meeting Or with an entrepreneur because I'm picking up on much subtler signals. If my mind is quieter and I'm picking that stuff up. So
[02:06:40] Different Companies Need Different Skills: CFO vs CEO
🎧 Play snip - 1min️ (02:05:41 - 02:06:39)
✨ Summary
Different companies require different skill sets for their executives. The CFO of Boeing is different from the CEO of Papa. The skill set of a CFO in the aerospace industry differs from that in financial services. Many financial leaders aspire to be C-level executives. The key difference between vice presidents and C-level executives is confidence.
📚 Transcript
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Jason Portnoy
Yeah, so it's not a one size fits all thing, right? So different companies need different things. So the CFO of Boeing is probably a much different skill set than the CEO of PayPal. Or the CFO. Oh, sorry, CFO. The CFO of a company that's building airplanes or something else is different than the skill set of someone in financial services to some degree. So I have coached a lot of financial leaders from managers up to C-level. And the way I explain this to them, because you meet a lot of VPs in all different roles, VP of marketing or VP of finance, and they all think they, well, they want to be the C-level. So I'm the VP of finance. I want to be the CFO. I'm the VP of marketing. I want to be the CMO. What separates the VP from the C-level? In my opinion, the shorthand I give them is that the C stands for confidence. And
[02:13:37] The Healing Process and Trusting Again in Relationships
🎧 Play snip - 1min️ (02:12:08 - 02:13:34)
✨ Summary
In relationships, it's important to view each other as souls on a journey of learning and growth. Marriages used to be based on political affiliations and survival, then on alliances and love. In the future, a successful marriage will be defined by a mutual commitment to each other's spiritual growth. Taking the perspective of two souls learning together can help in understanding the lessons and supporting one another.
📚 Transcript
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Jason Portnoy
Yeah. This actually fits in with a question you asked earlier that I didn't really get to, which is like the healing process and how do you trust someone again? And I think there's several different sides of it. One side is when you're looking at that other person maybe don't necessarily see them as that person in that moment but see them as a soul that's on a journey through this life that is learning Lessons and trying to figure out what those lessons are and trying to learn them so gary zukoff says this in seat of the soul that in the old days marriages were based on like maybe political Affiliation or maybe survival necessity in the very earliest earliest days and then it was like alliances and political stuff and then it was love you know we were in this phase where Marriage is all about love. But his feeling was that in the future, what will define a successful marriage is mutual commitment to each other's spiritual growth. If you can take yourself out of it for a moment and say, we are two souls moving through this lifetime together, and we're both learning lessons. What are these lessons? How can we learn from each other? How can we help each other? Then